I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, even some writing, but no posting. I’ve tried to post, writing long, rambling things and then just saving drafts because the words just aren’t coming together.
Summer is in full swing (even if the weather is acting like fall) and that means I’m bringing home extra bags of produce from the weekly markets and putting them up for winter. I’ve canned peaches; frozen peas and beans; dried the neverending summer squash; picked and dried, jammed, frozen, and fruit-leathered pounds and pounds of blueberries and strawberries. We’ve only seen a few tomatoes and I’m hankering for more.
Alas, P is out of town for school this week to do some labs and will return home Sunday around 6pm. He’ll come home to an empty house since my flight for Peru leaves at 2:30pm that same day. At least we don’t need a cat and garden sitter while we’re both away.
I’ve been missing my dad, but haven’t really felt like talking about it. The grief feels like wallpaper now, uninteresting and uninspiring. Sometimes it brings me to tears although mostly it sits there, like a lump in my throat, a dull pain punctuated often by small, sharp reminders that fade almost as quickly as they appear. Is this what moving on feels like? Giving myself permission to feel less grief is one of the hardest parts of this whole process.
I still can’t believe we’re closing on a house in a month and then we’re moving to what feels like the other side of the universe. I’ve traveled around the globe on nothing more than a few bucks and a whim, but somehow moving my residence ten miles feels so much further.
The garden is looking good, although the late summer signs of disease are settling into our little green patch. There is powdery mildew on the squash, some early signs of blight on the tomatoes, and the endless battle against the squash bugs. Our tomato vines are loaded with green tomatoes that have been sulking in the cool weather. We’ve had green tomatoes for what feels like a month now! I’m convinced they’re all going to ripen when I’m in Peru and I’ll miss the entire tomato season. This makes me sad and anxious, even though I know it’s not (entirely) true.
But, Peru! I’m going for work and will be there for ten days. Nine of which will be work, one of which will be play. I’m stoked, although a little overwhelmed.
I’ve been vaccinated against most maladies of the not-so-modern world. Yellow fever, typhoid, hep A. Both my arms are sore and will be for a few more days.
This weekend is my dad’s memorial service. My aunt called me almost two weeks ago and said, “This is the date if you want to come. It won’t be a big deal, so you don’t have to be there if you don’t want to.” I know this sounds like passive-aggressive midwestern-ness, but it’s not. It’s my aunt and her inability to deal outwardly with difficult things. She does not want this to be a big deal. She doesn’t even want it to be a “deal” at all. If left to her own devices, she’s probably leave my dad’s ashes on a shelf in her over-crowded basement, going down to visit once in a while. But people require ceremony and ritual, so we’re going to go and spread his ashes with little circumstance in a small northern Minnesota cemetery where his mom and son are buried. I have no idea how this is going to go down. I’ve made my dad’s favorite banana bread recipe and have a 8×10″ print of him smiling big and giving the middle finger, so we’ll see what happens. P is away and I have to do it on my own. I am glad I feel up to this challenge. If I would have had to be in the hospital alone for days on end, I might literally have lost my mind. I’m also glad the chosen date wasn’t the following week when I would have been out of the country and they probably wouldn’t have waited for me to get home.
I’ve spent some time in the craft room, making potholders and a wall hanging for the new house. I’ve been swatching for a travel knitting project, although nothing has struck my fancy yet.
I will now be stepping away from the blog until the end of August. I hope to return with some fun stories and pictures about South America. Then I hope to post more about house projects, craft projects, and everything in between.