I woke up this morning with a clear head and a quiet heart. I was able to doze and go back to sleep. How nice. The sun is shining and the plants will be moved back outside. I have a lazy morning to make breakfast before going in for class at 1. I love Tuesdays.
I want to be clear about something. This blog, this space, is where I am currently putting stories, thoughts, and feelings that need some place to go but I don’t know where else to put them. It doesn’t represent the entirety of my life. I realize some of the stories are hard to hear, I realize the honesty might be a little too raw sometimes. But it’s not my entire life. P and I watched a movie last night, we laughed and joked. We both felt good. This healing process isn’t linear, and it certainly isn’t pretty. But I am not entirely a healing process. I’m also a farmer and a gardner, a cook, a wife, a knitter, a student. If you were to ask my classmates and professors they would likely not know what’s going on. I’m still able to live. I’m still able to laugh, think, feel joy, organize my life. It’s hard right now, sure, but the stories here are the overflow, what doesn’t fit anywhere else. I need this space for exactly that purpose. Writing, especially interactive writing, helps me immensely. It helps get the ugliness out of my head so I can live. I do deeply appreciate all of you that read, listen, encourage. But if this is too much for you, please know that’s okay. You don’t need to read it. I have many different forms of support and I will be okay. I want this space to be a crafting and cooking and gardening space again soon. But right now I don’t have the extra energy for that. Please check back in a couple of months.
And please remember – my days do not, in any way, entirely resemble the sadness that’s painted here. This is a small slice, an important slice to be sure, but a small slice indeed. I am still Megs, I’m still here, I’m still living. I need the whole of me to be recognized. Thanks.
**I wrote this in part for myself, in part to be clear about the current lopsided nature of the blog, and to assuage worries as I know anxiety can be a serious issue. Know I’m aware, I’m under professional care, and I’m entirely willing to do what I need to to find wholeness.