The crying has stopped, mostly. It’s lovely. My heart is quiet lately, I’m working on relaxing, I feel peaceful. Maybe it’s all the lavender bubble baths. I am under no illusion that this will continue for very long, but the respite is nice.
I have decided not to call my mom for mother’s day. Instead I sent her a blank card with a picture of a flower. I wrote “Happy Mother’s Day” and signed my name. I can recognize that she is a mother, she get me through childhood alive. But I don’t have to cough up my soul or pretend my reality is different than it is. I’ve also written her a letter, handing back her “stuff” I’m tired of carrying. I will send it in the next two or so weeks. I feel settled and ready. Maybe that will change when the day get closer, but, as of right now, I feel prepared for this.
I’ve visited loads of plant sales and my deck is full of new finds awaiting a final home. Included in the mix are Swiss stone pine, magnolia, peonies, rhododendron, witch hazel, a pile of perennials. My hands and soles are developing their summer callouses. I’m valiantly fighting back the kentucky bluegrass from my gardens. My seed starting efforts have failed miserably this year. Too bad. Things look nice on the farm, though, so I know I haven’t completely lost my touch.
This is a boring post, really, and I apologize for that. But I needed to see it in writing – the crying has stopped and my life feels… good. Not great, not quite what I hope, but good. And that’s more than I’ve dared hope for a long while.