MuddyFingersMeg

Eat, drink, (garden, knit, quilt, think, fix, read) & be merry

Still thinking in circles

on June 21, 2011

I’ve been a deep well of sadness and brokeness lately.

M (my therapist) and I have a new “tradition” although I never see it coming.  I’ll explain how lost, broken, and overwhelmed I feel and then she’ll say, “I believe that this is what you’re experiencing but I have to challenge the assertion that you’re not making any progress.”  Then she’ll repeat back to me the little snippets of progress I’ve mentioned lately.

My own words, repeated back, surprise me every time.

And so does this sadness.  This profound, debilitating sadness.  Have I really been carrying this around for so many years?  Where has it been hiding?  In my toes?  In my kneecaps?  Where?  And what do I do with it?  How do I make the fog dissipate?  I could find patience for the sadness for the first six or seven months but it keeps hanging on and I keep wondering when I’ll see haze lift.

I’m wandering in the dark, perhaps I’m moving in circles.  It’s like I’ve lost my way and I have to trust I’ll come out of it, eventually.  But I don’t trust.  I question, I criticize, I feel like I should be over this by now.  But M insists the constant questioning and criticizing is the barrier to progress, to healing.  But that means surrendering to the sadness, to the darkness.  It means accepting that this reality is my reality, that this past is my past, that nothing in the entire world can change that.  And surrendering to that I instinctively resist with a compulsive fierceness.  I’m afraid the darkness will swallow me up.  And then what?  Healing?  Heavens almighty I have a hard time believing that.

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2 responses to “Still thinking in circles

  1. Jennifer says:

    Another Sugar column for you, dearheart. I thought of you several days ago when I read it, and now I’m just going to let it serve as my comment. http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-76-the-woman-hanging-on-the-end-of-a-line/

    Hang in there.

  2. […] Several weeks ago  I wondered aloud where I had been carrying The Sadness all these years.  The answer became painfully obvious the more I thought about it.  I’ve carried it throughout my body as it has sought escape.  This is hard to write, but it’s been heavy to carry lately and I’d like to write it down so I can stop dwelling on it. […]

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