Hi, friends! I wish I had a compelling reason for my lengthy absence lately but I don’t. BUT it is a whopping 21 days until I am in the first person in my family of origin to graduate from college!
It’s spring – which came ridiculously early – and spring brings loads of heavy emotions. The lilacs are blooming (my dad’s favorite flower) and Mother’s Day is just around the bend. I’m wrapping up a semester of 20 credits and preparing to enter a graduate program. It’s no wonder I’ve been tired lately, no matter how much I sleep. My brain is either learning or processing all the time!
The lilacs aren’t as sad as usual, though. I miss my dad, surely, but it’s a dull ache now, and only when I press on it. My mother’s absence isn’t as sharp, either. I count her absence by holidays more than months, and it’s been nearly a dozen since she’s made any sort of effort. It makes it easier to really close the door. But, as “they” say, the closing of one door opens another and so it goes here. I’ve decided since I did much of my own rearing, I’m going to celebrate myself on Mother’s Day. It feels hokey and funny to me, but I, at a deeper level, like the idea. I’ve finally given myself permission to give myself a little credit for who I am and how I got here. In many ways I’ve been my own mother, and I was often a mother to my brother and other children that lived in our house. I read bedtime stories, said prayers, and tucked in tiny children that lived in our house. I woke them in the mornings and sent them off to school while I stay home, in a house by myself. All day. When I was seven or eight.
So I welcome the coming of May. To me late spring feels like the beginning of a new year. And this year I’ll be a college graduate, beginning a new career, free of my mother, with the world wide open before me. It’s a transformative spring, and I welcome that with open arms.